The idea of women
marrying younger men is becoming popular in our days, but its acceptability has
been strongly challenged. It is not really a big deal in the western world, but
it is a big deal in some places in Africa. It still remains a strange and
unacceptable idea in Africa and everyone seem to envisage nothing more than
problems in such union. My question is: what is actually wrong with such a
union? Does the Bible support such marriage? Is there any guarantee for success
in such a union or everyone should expect problems in the long-run? Come with
me as I make my opinion known to you in this article.
Things are
changing, paradigms are challenged, and values have been distorted in the name
of freedom. Is freedom actually the permission to do what we want to do or it
is the liberty to do what we ought to do? In my opinion, I think the latter is
correct. Freedom is the liberty to do what is ought to be done. However, in
regard to age differences between couples in marriage, what is the ideal? Is
there any standard to follow in regard to age differences among couples? Does
age really change anything or affects anything?
To start with, it
is a generally accepted norm in almost every human society that men (husbands)
should be older than their wives. This is not because God gave a specific
instruction concerning this, but it has been an acceptable practice among men
throughout history. You might want to say but God created man first, and that
should be a precedence we must follow in marriage. Yes, you are right by saying
God created the man first and He made him the head of the family. But may I ask
you to tell me the age difference between Adam and Eve. I guess you cannot be
so sure, and I believe God did not create any other thing after the sixth day.
Therefore, Adam and Eve could have been created the same day. That is by the
way.
Like I said
earlier, it is a generally accepted norm that men should be older than their
wives. But what should be the age difference between them? No specific age
difference. However, my focus actually is to create a balance here and to help
those who are in such relationships where the woman is older than the man to
actually get things right.
Several
relationships where the woman is older than the man - especially in Africa -
are facing rejections, oppositions, and mockery because people feel such
relationships are against norms, and they should not be accepted. In fact, some
people chose to call it a 'taboo'. Like I said earlier, this may not really be
an issue in the Western world, because of the 'anything goes' kind of life
people live over there and the freedom of choice the constitution has given
everyone. But if you think you feel good with such relationship, isn't it still
good to wait a minute to count the cost? Please don't get me wrong; I do not
say it is evil for a woman to marry a younger man, but I think it is advisable for
both parties to critically count the cost first. I understand that love
transcends all the mockery, rejections and any ugly thing you might face, yet
there is need for critical consideration.
According to 2012
Census Bureau data, 85.9 percent of husbands are older than or about the same
age as their wives. That leaves 14.2 percent of all husbands who are at least
two years younger than their wives. Two important questions we must ask
ourselves are: Is there any danger in such a marriage where wives are older
than their husbands? What is the role age is playing in making the marriage
work? Before we answer the above question, let's consider some of the excuses
people give for rejecting such unions.
Below are some of
the excuses people give for rejecting such unions:
1. Cultural
Excuses: it is against our culture and tradition, they often say. People tend
to disagree with such union because it is not an acceptable practice in their
culture. To make things worse for the lovers, the people would announce a
terrible consequence that will befall anyone who acts contrary to the
acceptable norms within that culture. Cultural beliefs may be a major barrier
to such a union. However, some cultures are more flexible than the others.
Cultural beliefs
might be one of the strongest arguments against this kind of union. However,
along with cultural beliefs of the people involved in this union is the
Consensus Gentium of the people within the culture where the relationship is
taking place. Consensus Gentium is from the Latin word meaning the agreement of
the people. It is an ancient criterion for decision making among a group of
people who practices the same culture. Consensus Gentium is also referred to as
the climate of opinion, community sentiment, general belief, conventional
wisdom, prevailing sentiment, etc. Consensus Gentium therefore carries a weight
of authority in decision making, especially among those who have cultural
affiliations.
Consequently, if
the union is against the community sentiment or the general belief of the
people, they may
likely raise their eyebrows against such union.
2. Religious
Excuses: I read a blog post of recent of a young lady who is deeply in love
with a younger man, but her mother-in-law to be insisted that they would never
marry each other because there is no place in the Bible to justify such a
practice. The lady voiced out to see if anyone can actually help her find a
place in the Bible to support her relationship with her lover and to convince
her mother-in-law. This is a serious issue. She is not the only one having such
experience. I know of two people who are also deeply in love with each other,
but also have a similar story. The lady is 30 while the guy is 28. The mother
of the lady and her pastor had insisted for over three years now that they
would not support such union. The pastor also said there is no place in the
Bible where such happened. Well, if that's what you are passing through too, I
am here for you. I can help you out by the grace of God. Religion is also a strong
factor in this kind of relationship. We are intrinsically religious, especially
in Africa. Therefore, if such a practice or any practice is against the ethos
of the religion, it will be challenged, discouraged and disallowed.
3.
Biological/Physiological Excuses: if you are a woman and you marry a younger
man, you will soon look older than him, and you may not be attracted to him
again. That's what people will tell you. For the woman, she may have to put
more efforts to be able to meet the sexual need of her husband. She gets tired
after a very hectic day, she goes to prepare dinner for her family, and her
husband needs her in bed. You can imagine how tired she would be after a very
hectic day and also attending to domestic works, and yet, her husband needs her
in bed. Research has shown that men want sex three times more than women. He
wants it almost every day, but she is too tired, and you must also consider her
age too. As her age increases, her strength begins to decline. In some cases
sexual intercourse can even become painful for older women, and stress may lead
to frigidity. Stress makes sex life suffer; it can lower your sex drive.
According to a
recent medical research,cougar dating will increase the mortality rate of the
women involved. Although, scientists had done great jobs in helping older
people to continue to experience an active sex life. The truth is that some are
not even aware of this new development. So if she could not meet her husband's
sexual need, she may have to share her husband with a younger lady somewhere.
Aside that, some people feel older women may not be as romantic and sexy as
young ladies would. Although, this assumption has greatly been contested by
medical experts, but when we look at the matter holistically, the two parties
(those who believe older women are not romantic and those who say they are
sexually active even at old ages) are making sensible points - it's just a
matter of perspectives. As she gets older you begin to notice wrinkles on her
face, her boobs becoming saggy, and other physiological changes that may vastly
make younger men to prefer younger ladies to older ones begin to occur in her.
These are some of the biological or physiological excuses people give for
discouraging such peculiar unions. These excuses may look flimsy to some
people, but I feel there is still need for a critical consideration of the
whole matter.
4. Attitudinal
Excuses: this is the excuse that she would not be submissive to her younger
husband. I personally believe that submission and respect are not the functions
of age; they are issues with personalities. Although, the consciousness of the
age difference among the two lovers may affect their attitudes to each other.
But I suggest that the older woman should be ready to give up her age, so to
say, and willingly accept the headship of her younger man. She must always
remember that she is not his mother, but a wife. If she had agreed to be the
wife of a younger man, then she must put on the attitude of submission,
humility and respect for her younger husband.
5. Social
Excuses: this is the excuse that she may not really be as social as younger
ladies would. They will definitely have difference social preferences. That
aside, you as a younger man, will you really feel at home with her friends and
colleagues whom you know are older than you and they are your wife's friends?
These are the excuses people often give for rejecting such unique marriages. I
call it a "unique marriage".
What is the role
age is playing in making marriage work? Can we find a support in the Bible for
this unique marriage? What should be the age limit? Is there any danger
involved if a woman marries a younger man? These are the few questions I want
to briefly answer in this article.
Let me start with
the first question: what is the role age is playing in making marriage work?
Age in my opinion, is not one of the major factors that determine whether a
marriage will be successful or not. It does play a significant role, no doubt.
However, in true friendship, age does not really count. Nobody emphasizes who
is the oldest. Rather, the two people involved in the friendship just relate
freely, not emphasizing seniority or superiority.
This should be
the same in the marriage where love reigns. What determines headship in any
human society is not always age; it is the role the individual recognized as
the head plays at the time that makes him the head. For instance, I am a
Pastor; a young pastor, and at least 40 percent of my congregation is far older
than me, yet I am the head. I am the head (the leader) simply because of the
role I play in the church.
The same goes to
the marriage where the woman is older than the man. In this kind of marriage,
the man still plays the role of a husband, while the woman plays the role of a
wife.
No one can
reverse the order. No matter the age difference, no culture, tradition or
people will ever give the role of a husband to the woman because she is older.
Similarly, the
man does not become the husband because he is older; he is the husband because
he is the man of the house and that automatically makes him the head.
Therefore, age does not determine the success of any marriage; maturity, love
and understanding do. Age is just the chronological gap between the two people.
Question two: can
we find anything to support this kind of union in the Bible? I would say YES! I
guess this is strange to you. Let me put you through some mental puzzles. But I
can't find anything like that in the Bible, you say. I will show you soon. Just
go along with me.
In Deuteronomy
25:5, Moses said, "If brothers are living together and one of them dies
without a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband's
brother shall take her and marry her and fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law
to her" (NIV). This is called "Levirate Marriage." It is the
custom of a widow marrying her deceased husband's brother or sometimes a near
heir. It was a practice among the Jews. Now let's take our first example of
such. Genesis 38 records that Judah has three sons: Er, Onan, and Shelah. Er
married Tamar, but Er was wicked in the LORD'S sight, so the LORD put him to
death. Therefore, by custom, Onan would marry Tamar in order to fulfill his
duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for his brother Er. Onan
also did what was wicked before the LORD, so the LORD put him to death too.
Since Onan could not produce an offspring for his late brother, then Tamar
should be given to Shelah to marry.
Now listen to
what Judah said in verse 1 1 : "Judah then said to his daughter-in-law
Tamar, "Live as a widow in your father's house untilmy son Shelah grows
up." (Emphasis added). This text suggests to us that Shelah could have
been younger than Tamar, but custom makes it mandatory for Shelah to marry Tamar.
A paraphrase: Judah said to Tamar, relax! The young man is yours, but he is
still very young for that now. Live in your father's house until my son Shelah
grows up. Judge for yourself now from what you've read above. Who is older? It
is crystal clear that Tamar would be older than Shelah if they eventually got
married.
Example two: Luke
Chapter 20:27-36 records a fantastic discussion between the Sadducees and
Jesus. It is also about levirate marriage. The Sadducees quoted Deuteronomy
25:5, and sought Jesus' opinion on the text. Let's go through the discussion
carefully. Verses 29 to 31 reads: "Now there were seven brothers. The
first one married a woman and died childless. The second and then the third
married her, and in the same way the seven died, leaving no children. "
You will observe that Jesus never told the Sadducees that such marriage is
wrong - I mean levirate marriage. Now here is the point: We do not have a
command in the Bible regarding the age gap that should be between husbands and
wives. However, for the sake of this discussion, let's make Abraham and Sarah
our case study.
Abraham was about
ten years older than Sarah. Genesis 17:17 reads: 'Abraham fell facedown; he
laughed and said to himself, "Will a son be born to a man a hundred years
old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?" So let's take the age
difference between Abraham and Sarah as the standard they followed in their
days. In other words, we want to assume that in their days, a man must be at
least ten years older than his wife. Now let's consider the age gaps that will
be among children in the days of Bible characters. .. to be contd
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